Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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