So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize