So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
