is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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