we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
