So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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