she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
