The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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