I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
