btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Randomize
