I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
