The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
