Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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