so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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