bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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