if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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