I wish I could teleport
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
