I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dick very happy bro
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize