I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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