Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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