I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
