im having a threesome with these popsicles
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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