oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
