The maid of honor just puked.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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