I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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