We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
