Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
