Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
