never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
