and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
