She is in my trunk
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
