I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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