I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
