I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I didn't notice because vodka
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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