I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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