so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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