we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
