The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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