A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
