I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
