On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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