You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I know her cup size but not her name....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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