Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
