walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
