If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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