"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize