I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
