Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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