Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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