Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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