Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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