I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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