First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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