i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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