I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
