You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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