i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
