Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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