I just pynch a tree in the face
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
