tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
