Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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