My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
